Ending Song

Today was my wifes last radiation treatment. God bless her and our family....

Ending song

No more needles,
No more knives,
Time to heal,
And stop fighting for our lives

No more storms,
No more winds,
Time to heal,
Forget the lightning and the sins

Somewhere in the middle of it all,
between the wilted flowers and babies breath ,
You understand what it means-
In the midst of life we are in death-

Somewhere in the middle of it all,
I have found my old friend,
She was hiding in plain sight,
Lucky souls, sometime mend


"No matter what happens now
You shouldn't be afraid
Because I know today
has been the most perfect day I've ever seen." t. yorke

Italy

I love my job on trips like this. I could spend all day explaining things- but pictures tell more than words can-

In Rainbows: Radiohead's Paranoid Android's Orgy

This is Radioheads sex album- Never thought the lads from Oxford would get all geeky horny on you, but here it is- Tonight I downloaded the songs from their website here. You can pay for it- a penny or a pound- you name the price:

http://www.inrainbows.com/

A lot more mellow- jazzy- than anything they have ever done. More mature, with adult themes- These guys are dealing with people, not spaceships, robots and fairytales anymore. They are adults now and it shows in their music and lyrics. They are talking more about sex, though- a lot more than they ever have before- All I can imagine, when I listen to this music is Thom Yorke dressed as Hugh Hefner- all pajamas and bling.

Well maybe not- the mental image hurts my brain....

Here is my take on the songs:

15 Steps- Good, funky for a Radiohead song. Common man fighting for his bit of turf theme song

Bodysnatchers- More common man fighting against the system stuff- Nice
"Electioneering" sound mixed with Neil Young- Warm Fuzzy analogy sound.

Nude- Best song on the album in my opinion. All about the hollowness of guilt- wonderful misery.

Weird Fishes- At first I thought this was the weakest song on the album- not sure on second listening. Another song to do with desire- That's the funny thing about their songs- you initially hate them then they grow on you. This requires more listening.

All I need- Another song about desire and why you stay with someone- probably for the wrong reasons. The desire to stay safe- Builds to a nice climax at the end.

Faust ARP- This is a Beatles like tune musically- but it's all about not measuring up to expectations- going through the motions.

Reckoner- I have no idea what this song is about- Is it about someone cheating on someone else? Its the most musically advanced song they have ever done- using harmony to create a simple, beautiful song.

House of Cards- This is about cheating- and what the hell is this? Key parties? A paranoid android orgy? Its about people screwing around and living in denial. It's got a moral center to it- probably the most classical song structure here. .

Jigsaw Falling into place- This is another one about sex...this is Radioheads Barry White album, isnt it? Best I can guess it's about a one night stand. Driving beat- Grows on ya after the second listening.

Videotape- Another favorite song. Simple- a bittersweet good bye- Builds to a nice climax as it drifts off...

I would put this between OK Computer and Kid A as their strongest album to date. Might actually be better than Kid A. It doesn't show the immaturity of the Bends- however it lacks the humor of OKC and the Bends- Much better than Hail to the Thief.

I paid $10, or basically a buck a song- which is what I would give Steve Jobs if I was buying it off Itunes.

I will probably get the box set as well. Awesome album....

Good job boys-

FRANTIC USA

Sitting in my seat on the way back from Rome yesterday- I was completely shocked by the manors of the American flight attendants on the plane. For a week I was used to seeing slower, more relaxed individuals in service positions. People from the United States seem to move and speak in loud and sweeping gestures compared to Italians, Germans, Finns or Japanese. The women on the plane were brittle and nervous. They didn't seem human- frantic creatures- with an illness of the soul we suffer from here in this country.

We always seem afraid here. The fear soaks us, bends us and twists us- we are always trying to over compensate for some inadequacy- not enough money, not handsome enough, not smart enough. We refuse to be a culture satisfied with who we are.

Mostly because we don't know who we are supposed to be.

We live our lives through pop stars, personalities and sports idols. We can't just be people in this country- we have to look like, smell like, act like somebody who has higher status.

In Europe, I am not sure what status is. I am sure there are name droppers and climbers- but I didnt see any (or don't understand enough Italian to know). Everyone I met seemed pretty much who they were. They accepted their lot in life. They didn't relocate to the other side of the planet- they spent their lives within 40 miles of where they were born. Saw their mothers every Sunday. There is a sense of community there- a sense of belonging to a culture two centuries plus old.

They seemed less afraid. A good lesson to learn- one, I am afraid I didn't learn.

Less than a day after getting back- I was frantic and nervous- back to the paniced pace I left.

Welcome home, I guess....

Time to download In Rainbows from Radiohead---Brilliant! More on that next post...

Lucky

I'm on a roll,
I'm on a roll this time
I feel my luck could change.

Kill me Sarah,kill me again with love,
it's gonna be a glorious day.
Pull me out of the aircrash,
Pull me out of the lake,
I'm your superhero,
we are standing on the edge.

The head of state has called for me by name
but I don't have time for him.
It's gonna be a glorious day!
I feel my luck could change.
Pull me out of the aircrash,
Pull me out of the lake,
I'm your superhero,
we are standing on the edge.

We are standing on the edge.


I am back and on my way to Italy tomorrow...time to move on and keep at it- All that and Radiohead is back with a new album in a few days. How wonderful.

How am I?

Thanks to Jessica for asking how I am- but the answer to her question is hard.

I am holding it together- doing my j0b and trying not to think too much. I am trying to take the time to be there for my wife- who is going through her third dose of chemo tomorrow. She has one more after that, then onto radition for six weeks. It's nice to be almost done with this nightmare- but it will always be there hanging out in the back of our minds. It's something we dont talk about now, because we are just trying to get through this chapter of the book. And in the end, it really doesnt help anything to worry about what will happen in the future. We have always had enough on our plate to worry about, and we most likely always will.

And there is the rub- this disease isn't about me. Seems like an obvious thing to say, but there is a subtle context to it. People ask if "I" am doing alright, it is really because they want to know how "she" is doing. I am not jealous or upset about it, I have never been one to look for attention, especially this kind- yet it's just an interesting dynamic to observe. This situation has made us conjoined more in other peoples eyes than our marriage in some respects. Yet, most people don't want the aswer to that question, the question of your "condition" if it isn't short, sweet or positive. They don't want bad news, so if you answer that "she" has had a tough time of it, they are at a loss for words. Which is okay- we all have to face the subject of mortality in our own ways. The word "cancer" makes us do that.

No one wants to hear I have a bad back or that I gained 7 "stress" pounds since this whole thing started. No one really wants to know that I dont want to go to contra dances anymore, because I have to give reports about my wife's condition over and over again to sincere and concerned fellow dancers- people I love, yet the effort to retell the story becomes too much to bare. No one wants to hear that sometimes I get mad and angry about having to do the laundry and the cooking and the shopping and my job, sometimes all at the same time. When I have a week to work, like last week- I have an ungodly difficult schedule- six planes, 8 cities in 6 days- But really, no one wants to hear that I really want to jump out of my skin and go screaming and yelling down the street.

Instead, for the most part I keep it to myself and I put my nose to the grindstone. Not to say that my anger and frustration doesn't come out awkardly- sometimes in the wrong context and situations. The important thing to remember is that it always came out wrong before the diagnosis- so really nothing all that much has changed!

The truth is I am "doing"- not well or badly- just functioning and trying not to complain too much.

In other words- normal.

The Dresden Doll Impact

You know who you are-

I went from having about 10 hits a day on this site- to close to 50 a day since I posted the 10 reasons why I love Amanda Palmer post- That's the cool thing about the little stat counter button- It lets me know that you are all pervs- wanting more information on Amanda Palmer.

I have no insight on the band- just a fan, so you won't find it here. All I know that they (the DD) seemed trapped in this horrible road show with the likes of Erasure, Cyndi Lauper and a very, very geriatric Debbie Harry. Also Margret Cho is on the tour- most of the reviews I read say Cho sucks. The Dolls are getting good, if not mixed comments about their act. Some people like them, some people are like- what are they doing in this?

It's for a good cause and all (Gay Pride-something-or-other), however- I think the Dresden Dolls might be something new and unusual, and some record company exec is trying to market them in a retro, 80's gay venu- which I don't think isn't going to work.

Anyway- leave a note- those visitors who are in search of DD and Amanda stuff- Say what you like about Amanda or Brian and what YOU THINK!

Comments below!

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10 reasons why I love Amanda Palmer

It's been about two weeks since I first saw Amanda Palmer on You Tube singing Creep (see below). I have since bought the Dresden Dolls, "Yes, Virgina" and listened to it 1000 times. Why I love her:

1. She is strong. I have always been attracted to women with strengh.
2. She has a sense of humor.
3. She dresses like a cast member from Cabaret which I always thought was sexy.
4. She meditates and likes Yoga, which actually she doesn't do. She does something called Noga, which is "planning" to do yoga, but finding something else to do instead. Thus "Noga" for No-Yoga.
5. She is a genius.
6. She looks to be that crazy weird girl you met in high school that was always making paper dolls- You kind of wanted to ask her out on a date, but you were afraid she would whip out the 7inch knife and hack you to pieces in the car after the grindhouse triple feature.
7. She makes amazing music- best album I have heard to date.
8. She isn't afraid to kick your ass.
9. She looks like she would be fun to hang out with- in a crazy NYC kind of way.
10. She "paints" her eyebrows on- I wish I could do that!

EDIT: When I first wrote that last one- I found out later that she paints her eyebrows on. It took someone almost a month (some anon) to figure out I was wrong (see below). I knew it was inaccurate, however I pretty much went on with my life. I have corrected it- however I am cancelling my membership to the dresden doll fan club- mostly because I am not worthy.

First Treatment: Down the rabbit hole

Yesterday was the first of six chemo treatments. One treatment every 21 days. With the hormones and drugs, the nausea was somewhat limited. I say "somewhat" in that she spent most of the afternoon in the bath trying not to hurl.

It's interesting, the yarns this doctor like to spin- of the exceptional case of the woman who cleaned the carpets until 4am (because of the reaction to the steriods). It's kind of like stories about Big Foot, or the Loch Ness Monster. Urban Medical Myths. It gives the patient the hope that they will be invincible during this process. Maybe that's not wrong. Maybe we all need to be told a "yarn" to get through the day.

From a outsiders perspective- I don't see how you can not get sick from it. Sitting there watching them stuff four gigantic syringes and an IV of red and clear chemicals into her portacath- knowing generally (but not with exact knowledge) what these chemicals do. Even if they weren't designed to kill all the cancer (and good cells) in your body, just the volume of liquid would be enough to make you yack!

We are in the thick of it now. Temperature readings at 4pm- crackers and yogurt for dinner. Super sensitivity to smell. Falling asleep to WC Fields movies. Slow moving and cautious.

Hell Alice, where do we go from here?

The Ditty Bops

What a perfect summer theme song...(too bad it's about global warming). I am in love with both these voices!

On the road again

Well, here I sit in Newark NJ- Flight delayed by two hours on my way to Wisconsin.

After a month at home, it is weird to get up at 4:30am, get on a plane and work in another part of the planet. I got so used to waking up in the same bed, eating the same food, seeing the wife and kids everyday- that it is really weird NOT to be working at home- Sigh....

So it goes, again...

EDIT: Got in at midnight after a $55 cab ride-got about 5 hours sleep and back at it again... fun!

Creep

Amanda Palmer of the Dresden Dolls making Creep a love song in a bar- Starts out slow, but worth the wait- a lot of fun...

As long as you have friends

If you have about 8 minutes to watch this, it is worth the time. The moral of the story- No matter if you have been attacked by lions and crocodiles, as long as you have friends to watch your back, you'll be okay.... Warning: A little brutal for little ones.

Shaved

Last night after the chemo doctor’s visit with my wife I shaved my head. Why? A few reasons:

One is my wife is almost assuredly going to lose her hair- I told her from the first diagnosis that I would shave my head in solidarity. I also always wondered what it would look like. I am half bald anyway, and the more and more I got tired of looking at the thin strip of hair across the top of my head in mirrors, security cameras at drug stores and banks- I felt it was time. So it is a mixture of vanity and altruism- is that wrong?

Anyway- the reaction from my wife was tears. My face wasn’t “framed” the way it was before and it brought home the reality that she would lose her hair soon as well. She said my eyes looked lower on my face- I am still trying t o figure THAT one out.

My youngest son called me an alien and a very old looking Lex Luthor. I am calling him Clark (as in Clark Kent, we both like the television show Smallville).

My oldest son was like, “Huh. Maybe you should have waited a couple of weeks until Mom started losing her hair.”

I love my older son more than words can tell- Wise and droll.

I think the other reason I am doing it now is just to get it over with. Let the kids get used to one of their parents with a bald head, so the other one isn’t so much of a shock. Let’s get the jokes out there, get it out of their system so that they can recover quicker and get on with life.

I think there is another part of me that just wanted to do something, anything- different. In all of this process, there is a sense of helplessness. Cleaning the house, taking care of the kids and wife when she is down, cooking, trying to keep a handle on the job front is driving me a little crazy. The head shaving thing is a way for me to put the subject out there for everyone to see. Maybe it’s a cry for attention. Who knows? All I know is I am glad and a little scared I did it-

EDIT: As it turned out, it was a very positive thing to do. We went out to dinner last night with friends. We talked about it hair loss, cancer, chemo- my wife was laughing and having a good time (some of it at my expense). We went to a Sangria Festival at a local restaurant afterwards where they had airbrushed tatoo's. After some discussion, I had a sun painted on the back of my head. My wife picked out the spot- Everyone loved it-laughed and had a great time.



The lesson is- Bald is okay, beautiful and fun.

Back to the world, for a little while

Finally we are through the "surgery" month. Three procedures (core biopsy, lumpectomy and nodal biopsy and finally the portacath insertion). All pretty much back to back over the last three weeks. I think we are all so tired, the word cancer has lost it's power. It doesn't seem as dangerous and fearful. It's now like an old nasty relative that you have to invite to dinner every so often, just because he is part of the family

Of course that will change when the chemo starts.

Is the cure is worse than the injury? Six months of elective chemotherapy, followed by six weeks of radiation. The irony is that they are pretty sure that they got all the cancer- Her nodes were fine. The chemo is an insurance policy, of sorts.

The survival rate over 10 years doesn't improve with chemo. Maybe 2%. She is still in the 90% group, so she will be 92% after chemo.

The recurrance rate does. Almost by 7%, depending on how you work the averages. She is going to be in the 83% range of not getting it again. 83% sounds a lot better than 76%.

So would you give up a year of your healthy life for a 7% chance that you wouldn't get this disease again? That's basically the choice. The nasty part is, there is no guarantee which side she could be on- the plus side or the minus side.

The fact is that they still don't know what causes it. It feels like they are trying to cure a bullet wound with a sledgehammer. The whole cancer industry doesn't seem to make any sense to me- I feel they don't want to know the reasons, because they would find a cure if they did and the industry would die-

But hey, up until the beginning of this month I didn't know, or want to know shit about this stuff. I am no expert by any stretch of the imagination.

Anyway, back to the world again- We have about two weeks before the first treatment. I am already planning to shave my head in solidarity- which isn't as big of a sacrifice as you would think. I am already half way there!

Back to the road, back to work- back to something that appears to be normal for a little bit...

I am looking forward to it- so is she...

Pirates of the Caribbean

I have seen a lot of films in my lifetime. I mean A LOT of films. I tell people when I first meet them that I learned all I know about life by watching movies, which is sadly all too true.

I have a BA in Communications. I took two film production classes in college. I took several acting classes there (I met my wife in one of them). I have sat through a lot of foreign films- everything from Bergmans "Persona" to Renais "Last Year in Marienbad". I feel qualified to sit through a movie and while I may not enjoy it, I will be at least able to understand it. Up until yesterday, this simple fact was true.

To say that POTC is incomprehensible is not true. There are parts that make sense. The movie had pirates and they rode around on boats. They yelled at each other endlessly all the while trying to stab each other with big cutlery. I got that- otherwise I was completely lost-

The biggest problem (for me at least) was the dialogue- Naomie Harris who plays Tia Dalma is almost incomprehensible in the film. She wins first place for the Most Ridiculous Accent Award (and her dialogue coach needs to be drawn and quartered). Johnny Depp is a close second, which in the first two films was somewhat endearing- the mumbling quirky and kind of funny- in this one it just pisses you off. When you have two main characters, who are speaking english as if they have a mouth full of shit, all the while trying to divulge pointless exposition- well it just gives you a headache. My poor wife was getting annoyed with me because I was asking," What did he say? What did she say?" over and over again. I am really suprised no one (like the editor) went to the director and said, "um Gore, we have a slight problem, everyone is talking like they are chewing on rocks".

The movie needed subtitles, like "Last Year in Marienbade". Or "Persona"
.
The plot is another "issue", everything from the 50ft Crab Goddess Calypso (think I am kidding?), to the Mini-Me-Jack Sparrows, to the leaky and moistly emasculated Davey Jones just left we wondering- Why? I mean there was a lot of work that went into that film- Like the other two, techincally it was great! However, the most important part, "the story"- was a complete mess.

The only bright spot was Geoffrey Rush as Barbosa. He knew why he was there- what he was supposed to do and he did it brillantly. My only disappointment was they didn't spend more time on him and give him more menace and swagger (like they did in the first one). Here is an evil zombie pirate back from the dead! How cool is that? Up yours "28 weeks later" with your fast moving zombies! Here is a fast moving zombie with a fricking SWORD and dead monkey as a bonus! But nooooo! Here is a Barbosa that is toothless and pacified- what a wasted opportunity.

The other great actor that was wasted was Jack Davenport, who plays Norrington. It was like they didnt know what to do with him- they could have used him much more effectively. Maybe make him the new Captain of the Flying Dutchman! Give him some meat! He is such a good comedic actor (see the British series Coupling for reference), they should have used him more effectively. But no, they just got rid of him- it was like his character was an afterthough, the same fate they bestowed on the talented Johnathan Pryce (star of one of my favorite films, Brazil).

Oh well- The summer isn't completely over yet- looking forward to seeing Waitress, Knocked Up and the Harry Potter No. 25- At least I should be able to understand those movies- I think they are in english....

Oh yeah, stay away from Bug- I agree with Wind Up Bird- sounds icky.

http://metwee.blogspot.com/

The gift of Gauis

There is a quote I grew up with-

"God grant me the gift of Gaius, so that we can see ourselves as others see us"

I was thinking about that phrase tonight- I was wondering if the Gaius mentioned was Gaius Plinius Secundus or otherwise known as Pliny the Elder that lived in Rome around 79 A.D. ?

EDIT: A friend pointed out to me that the Gaius mentioned was a biblical reference, the person who John was writing to in John 3.

Google, all source of the knowledge of mankind wasn't very helpful.

I wasnt very helpful today either. Working out the details of the chemotherapy with the doctor today. When asked my advice, I was angry and fearful. I didn't like the doctors. Doctors need to be like pilots- they need to be reassuring. This guy was all over the map- he wasn't reassuring.

It made me mad.

The microscopic cancer cells that were potentially in my wifes body made me mad.

Washing the dishes, doing the laundry, trying to keep my attention on my job- made me mad.

In the end I went back to the quote- In order to see yourself, you need to step out of yourself- give us the gift to be outside ourselves. I needed to do that- I didn't.

And I am sorry...

Cancerland

It's been three weeks since we entered Cancerland. The fear is gone. Action has replaced anxiety. There is already a sense of normality now, which I know is a strange thing to say.

The surgery was quick- She was officially diagnosed a week ago Tuesday with an invasive ductal carcinoma. Monday they had the surgery, yesterday she got the results of the nodal biopsy. Her nodes were clear, however that still hasn't saved her from the chemo and radiation because of her age. That appointment is next week.

The next 10 weeks will be very trying. This is like going into an uncharted part of the world- The last two days have been very positive- Clean nodes yesterday and the drainage bulb was taken off today. Co-workers and employers (both mine and hers) have been very understanding with the time we have taken off. Hopefully their patience will continue.

The most important thing is to keep things as normal as possible. The kids are holding up well. We will all have to wait and see how this goes. Don't worry about next week, when the next second demands your attention. In so many ways, we feel like we both have been unknowingly preparing for this for the last few years, physically, financailly and mentally. Now is the time to cherish in so many ways...

Breakfast

Thanks to Ruby at OT's website for the caption- The cat is mine (as are those knobby feet in the distance)-

Mood Music

Sometimes you can't describe what you feel- you have to let other people do it for you- TDW's Big Indian- Lyrics below. Sorry for the lame You Tube video- Enjoy anyway.



Well my friends do me so right
I'm lucky this far
maybe it's karma
I get over them, but
only at times
and I thank my lucky stars

I wish I may, I wish that I might
just keep an open mind
all of the time
my old man told me one time
you never get wise, you only get older
and most things, you never know why
but that's fine

when the future is frightening
and I seem to be fighting it
well soon as it's brightening
then I, I feel fine, and then I
I feel fine

well my friends do me so right
I'm lucky this far
maybe it's karma
I get over them, but
only at times

well the future is frightening
and I seem to be fighting it
but soon as it's brightening
well the future is brightening
the future is frightening, but I

I feel fine
oh yes I, I feel fine

Last night

It was the Seconds Saturday contra dance in Wyoming, OH (an older suburb of Cincinnati). I danced for about an hour and some change, but my heart wasn't into it for some reason.

I decided to go outside and sit on the porch. The sky was clear, but the wind was high- moving the trees around. The old victorian style houses that populate the neighborhood of that part of Cincinnati looked spooky, bathed in the street light. The porch was dark. I sat on the cement steps and watched the trees move around for about an hour. Inside the ballroom, I could hear the muffled sounds of the band and the echos of the caller, calling out moves. I wondered how many nights like these had these old steps seen.

I don't know much about The Wyoming Arts Center's history. It is an older building, built in the 30's. Its an odd building with several floors of large meeting spaces, so I am pretty sure it wasn't a private home. What it is today, is a place for children and adults to learn how to play music, dance and create art. It is always busy, with people walking in and out of it with musical intruments tucked under their arms. It makes me happy that places like this still exist. Places with connections to the past. There are too few of them. Here is a link to their site:

http://www.thecenter4thearts.org/index.php

This was the last dance we will be going to for a while there due to my wifes illness. She is going in for surgery on Monday. I am sure it will be there when we get back- like the wind and the trees, and those old cement steps. I look forward to being there again.

I had pretty much

...just about given up on this blog. The reasons are varied- The biggest reason is that my wife diagnosed with a stage one tumor in her left breast about a week ago . While I won't go into the details- the next three months into the next year (and forward) is going to be a new chapter in our lives.
We have both been very healthy people. Unreasonably healthy in many ways. This has hit us like a ton of bricks and we are going to have to take things very slowly and as they come.
Work, friends and neighbors have all been great about the news. We hope this optimism will go forward into this period of our lives. I am sure it will.
I will try to keep this blog going forward- and I will make a concerted effort to keep this from being a melodrama-
Thanks to all that have been posting and reading- your input makes me smile...

I fell today

Walking out of the TGIF's in Bensalem PA, I was checking emails on my cell phone. Next thing I knew I was sprawled across the parking lot of the restaurant- Cell phone skidding across the lot, knees and hands skinned and a big hole in my new trousers.

A couple of people helped me up, straightened me out and set me on my way- I didn't see the step down into the parking area. Served me right. "Washing dishes when washing dishes" also means "Watch where you put your feet" and "put the fricking phone away when you are walking into a parking lot".

The universe is always teaching us-

Night driving in the 4th dimension

Driving through the middle of nowhere at night- Seems like I am always going somewhere and nowhere at the same time.

I realized I have been driving on the same piece of asphalt between Columbus and Cleveland since 1983- My very first trip on business was between these two cities. Scary thought to be trapped on the same piece of road for 24 years. Of course, there have been other roads inbetween- too many roads.

It helps to look at these trips as circles- loops- entering and exiting the same space just in a different time- I think when you go through these circles, these loops, you get finally get a sense of that dimension (besides looking in the mirror or seeing old photographs).

We are all going in circles- just some bigger than others.

Then again, sometimes it just feels insane.

Jam Fingers

The bread is from an Amish restaurant in Wooster OH. Half the jam is from France (Mango) and the other half (Blueberry) is from Canada.

The plate is from China-

So good you don't care if it is dripping from your fingers-

Monsters and Angels

Monsters lie between the blades of grass-
Hidden in the darkness- waiting and watching.

This week there has been nothing but bad news- I have had too much time on my hands- and I have paid too much attention to it.

The angels live in my house- they see me every day when the yellow school bus drops them off. I am normally on the phone, or the computer-working I pay them too little attention, but their presence is felt and their love received.

They know I love them too.

Psapp

Just bought two of their albums- Quirky, cat obessed and squeaky toy music- really no other way to describe them. Here is a video of Kittens vs Robots fighting over the fate of the world. Enjoy.



Meow!

Communication

"I understand. Do you understand?" I ran across the graphic today looking for Kanji characters- I have always loved the indecipherable shape of the symbols.

Maybe it should read, "I understand what I mean. Do you understand what I mean?"

If you don't understand, or if I didn't explain it well enough- that can be used as an excuse to insult, sue, fight beat, or even kill another person. Doesnt seem fair does it?

The cause of the world's problems in a single exchange. Wars are fought because we don't try hard enough to understand the other person.

"I understand. Do you understand?"

PS- I am reading James Thurber to my 10 year old. I am not sure he gets it- but it's fun trying.

Home again

Threading the needle
through the icy winds
No delays, everything is on time
Hotels range from good to
Junkie status-
Bottomless cups of coffee
and late night dinners-too much white flour and sandwiches
Too many gas stations- and other peoples cars
Riding trains and buses
Taxi's and credit cards-
ID's and E-tickets
Endless phone calls- and little
sleep

Home.
Hugs from children as I walk through the door-
getting the news from the home front while laying on the couch from the Mrs.
Treats; like hummus and triscuts for dinner
and little chocolate easter eggs-

Home again

So it goes

Kurt Vonnegut died today. He wrote one of the most important books in American Literature called Slaughterhouse Five, which was a semi-autobiographical novel about his experiences as a prisoner of war and his subsequent survival of the bombing of Dresden.

Over the evenings of Febuary 13th through the 15th 1945 it is estimated that between 25,000 to 100, 000 people died from several thousands of tons of bombs being dropped on them.

A little later that same month, on the other side of the world, the United States firebombed Tokyo and killed at least 70,000 people.

So it goes.

The book is also about time travel, alien abduction and sex with B-movie starlettes (so it has a little something for everyone). It is at once a elegant and horrifying book. He used a device, that I will always remember. When someone died in the novel, or when one of the aliens said something, they said-So it goes.


I have read the book about five times since I was 14 years old. What I found humorous when I was 14 I found terribly sad when I was 35. The book seemed to change as I got older. It taught me a lot about perception.

I will read it again this month in honor of Mr. Vonnegut.

He was a hero of mine. I am at once sad at his passing and at once happy that he lived during my lifetime. I hope his passing was peaceful, but I am afraid that is wasn't. He died from complications from a fall.

He was on the Daily Show a couple of months ago. He was still as sharp as a tack


So it goes, Kurt. So it goes.

Hell in a Handbasket

I am wondering how my weeks go from simple to complicated in such an amazingly short time.

This morning was simple, two nights then home-

By 4pm, I am leaving tonight and I will get home on Friday night with Minneapolis, Columbus, Detroit and Madison WI in between.

$1600 buys you a lot of airport time.

Saturday

Saturday-

This morning, built shelves in basement for books that are taking over our house.

Made "E" clean his toys out of the living room-

On the way to Costco to buy massive quantities of food to feed the masses (mainly my family). On the way I am stopping at St. Vincents Du Paul to drop off crap from basement that we need tax write offs for.

Nothing heavy to note- Read POH's adventures with Republican offsprings- Commented on dead iguana's. Miserable animals.

How does love change?

Maybe it's yesterday's post about True Love Waiting.

Maybe it's Springtime.

Thinking about love and lovelorn today. Read a few blogs that made me yearn for people as they yearn.

How does love change? What are the different types of love?

I know about infatuation- fleeting, sticky and sweet.
I know the love of friendship- Warm with discovery.
I know the love of a brother- the support and good words.
I know the feeling of love of a parent to child- Unconditional (at least it is supposed to be).
I know the love of a child to a parent- difficult, sometimes judgemental, yet where our childhood rests, therefore the core of who we are.
I know the love of acceptance- taking that person for everything they are, but most importantly what they aren't.
I know the love of a long time partner- like an well worn peice of clothing- comfortable and always there- yet ragged and torn from the miles traveled.
I know the love of the dead- lost in the background, aching and always there.
I know the love of strangers- Never expected, but always welcome.
I know my attempts to give love outward, through actions and thought- Sometimes it's enough, sometimes it's not.

Still searching I guess...

True Love Waits

Google has this thing that alerts you to blogs and websites with keywords that you are interested in- It's kind of cool and kind of annoying at the same time.

Every day I get about ten emails from Google on Radiohead subjects- Most are garbage, sites for freedown loads that are niether free or easily downloadable, and a lot of blogs- One blog caught my eye because it mentioned lyrics from one of the truly saddest songs that the "R" band ever produced. Its from a post grad called Wind-Up-Bird in NY. I guess she has been offically "tagged" by me:

http://metwee.blogspot.com/

It's a song called True Love Waits- and unlike a lot of Radiohead songs, with the exception of "Spinning Plates" (the Rwandan Genocide)- the lyrics are from a news story that Thom Yorke read in the paper. Woody Guthrie, Bob Dylan, The Clash (Charlie Don't Surf), Pearl Jam (Jeremy), just to name a few examples have all made songs from news stories (or movies), but Radiohead has always been more internal than external in their observations. They look at how they feel about something and then make the observation through that filter.

Not to say that True Love Waits doesn't share that same obscure point of view- The beginning of the song mentions "dressing like your niece" and "washing swollen feet" which make little or no sense to anyone but Thom Yorke, the singer and songwriter.

But like most "R" songs it circles the campfire like a wolf, then goes in for the kill towards the end.

It starts out with a common turn or phrase, turned on it's end: I'm not living, I'm just killing time. Which is how we all feel some days. We are slogging from one place to the next- not really living our lives- and with a unspoken hopelessness that all we are doing is killing time, waiting for it all to end.

Then a refrain of the chorus, Just don't leave, Don't leave which isn't really a chorus- in Thom Yorkes voice, it's a wail of longing and desperation. Then the kicker-

And true love waits,

In haunted attics,

And true love lives,

On lollipops and crisps,

Which at first glimpse you read as, big deal? Haunted attic's- what is he on about? Lollipops and Crisps? Is this a snack food jingle???

But like most of the "R" songs, they have a much deeper meaning. You have to work a little to get it, they are always like a small puzzle- which is the "fun" part of their music.

From GreenPlastic.com- The best Radiohead site on the planet:

According to Thom, the line "On lollipops and crisps" is from an article he read: "I read an article about a child who was between 5-8 yrs old who was left on his/her own for a week in a house when his parents left on hoilday and he lived on lollipops on crisps. True"

Then it hits you like a ton of bricks- He is singing from the perspective of a young child- That no matter how abandoned you feel as an adult, there is still a part of you that loves so much, the child inside of you- you will go through anything, even starvation- waiting for that love to be reciprocated.

When he sings the chorus again, you understand that feeling so much more. The wail becomes a lament. Is it for lost love, abandonment? You never really know-

You may know what true love is- After listening to this song, you know where true love comes from and how delicate it is-

Bohemian Liberation Day

Today I am labeling Bohemian Liberation Day

I made breakfast and packed lunch for the group around 6am- Then I went back to bed.

I slept until 12pm. I NEVER do that unless I am sick-

It felt good. It felt better than good, it felt great.

I ate lunch, which was hummus, triscuts and a pear- then sent off my taxes (bastards!) and went to Best Buy and the new Guitar Center. I noodled around on a $6000 machine that made every sound known to mankind for about a half hour. I stumbled into the electric guitar room and played the opening to Airbag for another half hour with different filters on $2000 amp.

Then I went home, made popcorn for the kids and read blogs about "tagging" from Stepping over the Junk's Blog. Now I am posting-

What a great day.

Viva La Revolution-

The Labyrinth at Grailville

Today I took a few hours and visited Grailville in Loveland, OH. I have known about Grailville since we moved here 14 years ago, and I had finally run out of excuses. It was a Spring Day, I wasn't working so I grabbed my Nordic Walking Poles and headed northwards.

There was a lady there with a small child who gave me several notices of events and maps of the complex. There were different meeting halls, kitchens and sleeping areas on what was essentially a working organic farm.

I grabbed my poles and walked the hiking trails- The poles came in handy when crossing the stream and dodging muddy parts of the trail. I came upon a small gathering of benches on the far side of the stream.

The sun was bright and the leaves were sprouting on the trees. I walked up the hill and found the Stations of the Cross that were listed along the trail. Below each station was the biblical transcript of each of the stations of Jesus's path to the cross, then a modern interpretation of each one.

The Ninth Station, the one that detailed the Last Fall made me stop- We adore you, O Christ, and we bless you. Because by your holy cross you have redeemed the world.

The modern interpretation was what made me stop- It said, Even though we make mistakes, over and over again- we will still try. I would have never in a million years seen that as the meaning- but it was showing that we are all human, and it's okay to make mistakes. I felt a strange sense of comfort.

Along the last part was a farm with sheep, cows and pigs. There were some new spring lambs and calves in the field-

Then onto the Labyrinth

The Labyrinth was different than I expected. I expected it to be flagstones, but it wasn't. It was just a mowed path of grass that curved in and out in a snake like moving direction towards the center of the field.

The movement of walking through the path of grass made sense after a while. The path was uncertain, not clearly defined, symbolizing the journey of life (which is uncertain and not clearly defined).

The weird thing was you didn't dare deviate from the path either. I don't know why, even though it would have been very easy to jump the small mounds of grass and cheat. I stayed on the path and walked with my poles. I found my whole body was getting into it, I lost myself in the movement-arms, legs and focused on my breath. Before I knew it, I was in the center of the Labyrinth- which consisted of a loop.

It meant that you had to walk back the exact way you came. I don't know why, but I had always thought it was like a maze, that there would be another way out.

I started to laugh- Here I was in the middle of a grass field that I had walked almost an half an hour to get to- when I could simply walk across it again (forgetting the path) in less than 30 seconds. And I was going to spend another half hour walking back the way I came.

And underneath the absurdity was a sense of accomplishment and peace.

I walked back the same way I came- Through the Labyrinth once more!

When I walked to my car, a lady who I hadn't met before said, "There is a serious walking man" noticing the walking poles.

I smiled at her and mumbled something about "Nordic Walking Poles" which sounded strange and pretty silly. I quietly got into my car-

I drove home tired, but also relaxed and rested. I will go back there again-

http://www.grailville.org/

Vacation

I am three hours into my vacation-

This is what I have done so far-

* Made breakfast and lunch for wife and children.
* Got in a fight with my wife because I didn't want to clean up the house on my vacation.
* Cleaned the garage instead of the house.
* Called my wife and said I was sorry- I need to follow my own advice, every FUCKING moment is precious (see previous blog entry). Enlightment is temporary at best.
* Fixed "E"'s kick stand on his bike.
* Hid sleds in crawlspace above garage. Next people to own house will find them.
* Fixed tomato cages- strike that, fought with tomato cages- lost battle.
* Did two loads of laundry.
* Cleaned old trashcan out- Decomposing old pumpkin from Holloween there. Smell makes me gag- the smell is still on me- yuck.
* Laid Preen all over front and back. While I was spreading it, I wondered if that crap really works or not. Just glad to get it out of the garage.
* Nailed dandilions with Roundup.
* Checked work email- made some adjustments to a spreadsheet for a customer.
* Answered work phone just once- problem I had taken care of last week.

Now out to Home "Despot" and "Staples" to pick up new garden shears and box stuff.

Duality

It means nothing and at the same time it means everything.

When you place your plate at the table, when you adjust your chair- how you hold your chopsticks. If you get that promotion, if you lose a loved one-

The moment has its own structure- it's own importance. Every moment is an opportunity.

Think about that, every moment being an opportunity.

It means nothing and at the same time it means everything.

Detatchment from the busy mind opens this kind of awareness. That was the discussion at the Dharma center today. The duality of the moment and it's importance on our lives.

Not to say that there are not important things in our lives- there are. It's just where to put them in order of priority- They are all important, yet at the same time not important at all.

Like thoughts during meditation. What box do we keep them in- why are do they take over our minds when we practice (or worse when we try to deal with the pressures of our daily life).

The idea is calming. Let each moment come- try to identify it and cherish the moment for what it is. See the opportunity- and then let it go.

On the way home, the sun was reflecting off of giant clouds in the sky that were absolutely glorious- the sun roof was open and I was listening to a song sung by the Corrs and backed by the Chieftans-

"I know my love by his way of walking
And I know my love by his way of talking
And I know my love dressed in a suit of blue
And if my love leaves me, what will I do?

chorus:

And still she cried, "I love him the best,
And a troubled mind, sure can know no rest"

It means nothing and at the same time it means everything!

The Dharma Center

Well, off to the Dharma center- First time I have been in months, but I figure with the time off, I deserve a little meditation and discussion- Sweet, gentle people there-

Their link:

http://www.cincinnatidharma.org/index.php

The topic today is "Living the Ordinary: Simple Heart, Difficult Mind.” Sounds like something right up my alley!

I am sure I will have things to post when I get back, I always do!

Spring Walk

It was warm.

We walked to the fish fry tonite. The boys were working there.

"E" was a runner at the fry- taking orders and running to the kitchen to get them filled. "S" was on the deep fat friers. He likes to stay there past the fish fry hours because his cousin lets him drive around the town late at night.

He is 16 and two weeks fresh with his drivers permit.

We walked behind the little one as he rode his bike ahead of us. Blooms are on all the pear trees and the smell is overpowering- It was nice to see the sun again and the heads of tulips seemed to show their bright yellow and red colors off in agreement.

Thick clumps of grass in patches still lie in many of the lawns, short semi-circled green stains marked the sidewalk from the wet wheels of lawn mowers as they made turns. The humming of mowers in the distance, the men in the neighborhood, home from work, lose themselves in their thoughts as the mowers lead them across their yards.

The discussion with Colette was about her work, their spring vacation to Atlanta, what they saw and who they stayed with. Little subjects of no consequence-but it brought a lightness to the evening.

In a week this night will be forgotten. Tonight, there was no great revelation- no great event- yet in the back of my head it will still have substance- maybe more than any other moment this week.

I often ask God to keep moments like these in a place, so I can go back and remember then when everyting seems hopeless and lost.

It's almost midnight. I am typing while I listen to my oldest boy sing and talk to the cats.

In a moment I will go up and tell him to settle down.

Re-entry

Home again from a trade show that started Sunday- Took a xanax before bed- Slept for a few hours. Up now. Trying to see where I belong.

Everyone was home from holiday which I didn't go on because I was working- its always nice to be welcomed home with hugs. The boys are wonderful-

Rentry is always difficult- Adjusting to different rythyms- schedules and emotions of other people can be difficult. I always feel a bit wobbly when I come home. Cranky is another word for wobbily, isn't it?

When you travel, you really don't have to think much about other people. I suppose it's selfish. If you do it too much you become very selfish...

Taking next week off- mostly because my body is telling me so. Not going anywhere, although I don't want to housebound- the temptation to work would be too great.

Thinking art museum, garden and a trip to Grailville- Maybe taking an afternoon and walking their labrynth. The tea room in Obrienville next to the Bon Bonarie is also a thought. I have a couple of art projects lurking in the basement that might creep up. We'll see where that goes.

It is nice to be here-

Radiobucks?

From the ugly rumour department-

Fact: Radiohead doesn't have a label. They dropped out of their agreement with EMI last year. They have been working on their new release for about a year.

Rumour: They have signed with Starbucks. To fans, this is like Jesus signing with Walmart for distribution newly updated version of the Bible

Like the logo though-

UPDATE 3-30-07: The band denies- it. No surprises!

A Story I Heard Today

A man I know has diabetes. His kidneys are finally failing. He went in for a kidney transplant, but the doaner program was six years out. This left him almost no options.

One of his three sons offered one of his kidneys to him. He told him that there was no way that he was going to take the kidneys of one of his children.

The man's wife and the three sons got together and told the man that he was being selfish- that he was depriving them of a father, a husband, a grandfather- The son went in for testing, proving that he almost a perfect match to the man's blood type.

The father was worried that since he suffered from diabetes, he would pass it onto his son. If he took a kidney now, he would rob his son of a chance for a long life if the son developed diabetes.

Tomorrow they are going in for the operation. The father finally agreed to the operation.

For a time as two lives overlap, two generations are giving life to each other. The father gives life to the son, the son gives life to the father. Together they complete each other and make each other whole.

There is an beautiful elegance to this- May the operation be a success and may they live long lives together.

Godspeed Dan and his son!

Pigtown Fling Recap

Monday Morning! ARRRGGGHH!!

Pigtown was INCREDIBLE! Saw some old friends, met some new- Danced my ass off and felt like a SPAZ! Short notes before I get in the shower and start my day-

Friday night- Started at 8pm and danced til midnight! The band was Airdance which at once was traditional but with a very jazzy, almost funky flair. Saw the usual gang of dancers- met some new people from Memphis, Cleveland and Columbus. All very nice- made a mental note to try and visit those places for dancing if schedule permits.

Saturday- Went to advanced Contra in the afternoon. Almost understood contra corners (which I have never really gotten). The gym where the dance was, was hotter than hell- sat down in the only airconditioned room in the complex afterwards- ended up doing something called Nia dancing, which was being held in the nice airconditioned room-

The dance is almost impossible to explain to any other human being in words. I call it "yoga booty ballet" from the infomercials on TV, although it's different.

My particular version was "cereabal palsy on parade".

If I ever thought I had the Funk, the Funk, (like Elvis) had left the building many years before I got there.

Met some people who were absolutely delightful (one was a fellow Nia dancer with much more Funk than I), all were easy to talk to and laugh with. Went to dinner with them at Pompilio's in Newport. They shot the movie "Rainman" there a million years ago. Was able to talk to them about my favorite things- Art, Mediation, Food, Travel, etc.

Had a great time.

Went back and danced until 10 pm, when I turned into a pumpkin and had to go to bed in order to catch a flight on Sunday to work a trade show in Chicago. Found out later by one of my dinner partners who was wearing a pedometer that she had danced the equivalent of 24.7 miles!! Wow!

I wanted to keep on dancing dammit!!

Sigh! It's almost 7am- gotta get in the shower- iron my shirt and eat breakfast!! No fair!!

The Mystery of Weight Loss Part 2.1

It's not all our ancestors fault. Or the mountain lions. Or the Wooly Mammoths.

Some times its our childhood influences.

I ate lunch at Moe's this afternoon by myself. There were parents across the way from me with two small children. The little girl who was their daughter, maybe 4 years old, was looking everywhere but her plate. The mother is yelling at her to hurry up and eat. The father is telling her that there is so much food on her plate and it's a waste not to eat it.

Talk about mixed signals. Essentially they are telling her- Eat fast and eat a lot.

Amazing. Simply amazing.

The Mystery of Weight Loss Part 2

One of the problems with losing weight has to do with Wooly Mammoths.

Our stomachs and our brains are disconnected by about 20 minutes. It's a lot like the time delays that they use for callers on radio talk shows. We can stuff 2000 calories down our throats in 10 minutes, and our stomachs will still tell our brains- FEED US MORE.

This is a design that is left over from 20000 years ago when food when food wasn't sitting on a shelf waiting to be eaten like it is today. You might not eat a full meal every day (in those days it was probably some hairy beast that you killed every week or so).

What happened was our stomachs disconnected from our brains so that our bodies made us overeat. That way we would have extra calories that we would store in our bodies, not at the super market- I don't know why it is 20 minutes. Maybe that is the time it takes for a mountain lion to catch the scent of a fresh kill? Eat quick otherwise it's gone- or you maybe you'll be gone too!

Anyway, this mechanism enabled us to go a few more days until the next Wooly Mammoth accidentally fell onto our spears.

Problem is there is too much food and too little time in our busy hectic lives. Our prehistoric bodies aren't meant for all this abundance. We are eating the equivalent of a Wooly Mammoth every day.

Thus one of the primary reasons why Europeans are skinnier than us-

They eat SLOWLY. They might take an hour to eat lunch. Smaller portions, slower eating.

Shhh....That is the primary key to losing weight. The food companies and restaurants don't want you to know that. They want you to eat more, faster- They have figured out exactly how many calories that you need to eat and if it was up to them they would have you to eat more- They are in existance to make a profit.

They really, really don't want you to eat less and slower.

Remember that and get ready to fight them. Your weapons are your fork and spoon (and of course your mouth)!

Think 20 minutes- Make yourself a meal, or when you eat at a restaurant and make sure you taste your food. Your mom was right when she said, "don't bolt your food!"

I hate it when she is (was) right!

Also, at a restuarant, tell them to keep the bread basket away from you. Offer it to the next table. The tortilla chips as well. When they bring them out, you will eat every one of those pieces of bread or corn chips. Your prehistoric brain won't be able to stop you. You will eat them quickly and your stomach won't know it until it is too late. Then you will be stuffed, uncomfortable and feel like crap.

That's what happens at Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and Fourth of July (Labor Day, Memorial Day, you Birthday, Vacation, and so on).

More on visual cues on the next section- There are some sneaky things going on that you need to know.

Pigtown Fling

Every year in March, they have the Pigtown Fling here in Cincinnati. It is a large gathering of the regional Contra Dancing community (which is a wonderful mix of aging hippies, college people, retirees and NPR listeners) that goes over three days. The ages of the people range from 10 years old to 90. We have anywhere from 300 to 500 dancers on the floor at one time- It's a sweaty riot of mass confusion, movement and most importantly of all laughter-

ANYWAY, I helped set up this year- I hung pig shaped lights from the ceiling of the caffeteria of the local high school where the dance is going to be held. As anyone who knows me knows- I HATE putting up lights- If it were up to me, I would leave Christmas lights up all year, just so I wouldn't have to put them up again. So what is the first task I am handed at Pigtown? Hanging lights- Karma has a funny way of biting you in the ass.

When I walked into the gym, where the dance is going to be- a couple of kids sitting on bikes were standing outside with confused expressions on their faces. There were a lot of middle aged people hanging signs, lights and gigantic bamboo branches over the floor of the gym.

One kids goes to the other- "Whats going on here?"

The second kid goes, "I dunno, must be a prom for old people"!

I am still laughing about that-

Compassion

A strange word.

To most people, compassion is a sense of shared suffering. It is sensing and feeling of pain that is not yours- Sometimes it exhibits itself as action in the form of altruism.

However, spiritual compassion is a different beast. Sometimes it can be defined as a form of love. Other times is a sign of pity that leads to an action.

In Buddhist terms compassion is defined as a cold, non-feeling realization that since all things are connected, your awareness should be extended to all things in the universe. Compassion to a Buddhist is an emitting a sense of peace outward to the universe. Action is not necessary.

Does compassion have a timetable? Does it always require action? Is guilt or fear the motivation behind compassion?

If that is true, if the motivation comes from a place of darkness, of fear of loss- is it still a worthy feeling?

Now some people say that you can't judge feelings in terms of worth. That they just are- there is no value system that can be attached. However, when looking at feelings of hate and of fear, I tend to think that they are less just than those of love.

If compassion comes from a place of love and awareness, is it worth more value than when it comes from a place of fear of loss or guilt?

Is compassion a luxury? Is it something that is outside the things we need to survive as a individual?

No answers-

The Mystery of Weight Loss Part 1

It seems a mystery to people- why do they gain weight? There is an entire Pandora's Box of emotions mixed up with it- Anger, guilt, love, self hate, need- all mixed into the elemental need to eat food. We forget in the mix that eating has the same priority as breathing air.

Without it we die.

About two weeks ago, I had an associate call me up and ask me how to lose weight. I gave him a somewhat complicated answer, one I am sure he was not looking for. I modified an excel spreadsheet that I use and emailed it to him.

We haven't talked about it since.

I know how to lose weight. It's taken me close to fifty years to "get" it, but now I do. From the outside, it seems ridiculously simple, reduce intake- increase output.

Push/Pull-

Ying and Yang.

But it's not. There are a lot of really scary forces at work here. Here is one of secrets to the mystery of weight loss-

Know what you are eating. Most people don't want to know- If we ask too many questions about that hamburger, diet coke or those fries, well we might find out some really uncomfortable facts. It's not the fat or the carbs that are keeping you fat with a meal like that, it's what is in the meal that is keeping you fat. It's the journey of how that meal got to your mouth that is important.

That hamburger isn't just one cow, but hundreds of cows that are mixed together in the big grinder, cows that have been fed during their short lives antibiotics, growth hormones and liqufied corn fats.

The fries have been fried in beef fat or worse, some sort of acetate that tastes like beef fat- that isn't even a food. It's something else that comes from a lab.

That diet coke has chemicals that are not meant for human consumption. The molecular breakdown of diet coke is closer to embalming fluid than it is to a food. The irony is that drinking the stuff will make it harder for you to lose weight.

If you know what you are eating, chances are you will make a different selection. Try and eat stuff that you can identify where it comes from- It's a challenge because there is a lot of money between you and the people who make the food that says you will never know what you are eating. I will be talking more about this later on- I will try and write it down in small bits, because it is a huge subject, but an important one.

Nordic Walking

Happy St. Patty's Day! You remember how I mentioned that Nordic Walking looked 'dorky'? Well, for the last two days I have been "dorkily"(is that a word?) walking around the neighborhood.

This sport ROCKS!!

For some reason, the walking in Finland resonated with me, maybe not at the time- but as some people know, that is how I mentally process things. I need to creep up on it.

In Finland, I was cranking without the shin splints and joint pain I normally feel with outdoor walking. Indoors, on a treadmill everything is good, outdoors it really hurts on everything from my feet to my hips. A lot of this is because I was an ex-swimmer, my upper body was always stronger than my legs. Now I can use my upper body when I walk. SWEET!

I got these poles yesterday- I have taken two walks- I averaged about 2 miles per. Two things- I didnt feel the usual pain in my hips when I walked up the hill, the second is that my lats felt the burn because I was walking pretty fast. I cranked on OK Computer on my Ipod and watched the spring time clouds pass overhead as I moved through the development. Some people driving took a double take, I am sure that this is the first time this has been seen in this part of the world.

My life is shaping into this weird combination of insanity and wonder lately. This is a healthy symptom I suppose. Between the Veganism, Contra, Radiohead, Carbon Emission Worry Wort and now Nordic Walking I am sure I fit some demographic.

Maybe I am becoming European. Its like Euro-borg, "La résistance est futile"!

Around and back again

Strange landscapes and surroundings- I am back, trying to work with anxious people with whom I have no patience for- people who think they know everything but don't...trying to do this through a cell phone and computer which is driving me mad.

Saw a lot of interesting things on my trip.

Thursday night, I was a at a crowded disco in Helsinki where they played music from the 80's, smoked and many people drank to excess.

On Friday, I tried my hand at Nordic walking- which is kind of dorky looking- but something I think I am going to try over here.

On Saturday, I went to the World Ski Jumping Championship, where I froze my butt off and watched people fly down a huge ramp, going 100 Kph and flying more than 120m.

Went to a party afterwards that played Finnish top 40 hits- All the Finns danced until the wee hours of the morning.

Visited Pekka's house- he was a painter at the beginning of the 20th century in Finland.

Now its 4:00am and I am awake. I am supposed to go back on the road again this afternoon.

My life is weird.

Finland

Just arrived here- haven't been since 2001. Long day- Cincinnati to Dulles, Dulles to Frankfort, Frankfort to Helsinki. Slept about 3 hours on the plane- Losing consciousness as I write this.

Staying at the Hotel Krapi (no I am serious link below)....No place to shop or sights to see....feels like I am being punished somehow.

http://www.krapi.fi/new/english.php

Technocracy

Two things from the web- This was a movement from the 1930's- yet it resonates with todays world pretty accurately- especially with the world view of the separation of classes-

"The social and economic system proposed by the Technocratic movement and the organization Technocracy, Inc., which believes that modern technology and a government organized on a scientific basis can lead to a society of abundance."

We have made a commitment to technology and we are living this abundance, it has paid handsomely- but at what cost? What cost to our planet, our children's lives and our future as a race?

Another clip that came to my attention:

"Like an Old Testament prophet, David Walker has been traveling the country, urging people to "wake up before it's too late."

But David Walker is no wild-eyed zealot. David Walker is an accountant, the nation’s top accountant to be exact, the comptroller general of the United States. He has totaled up our government's income, liabilities, and future obligations and concluded the numbers simply don’t add up. And he’s not alone.

Its been called the "dirty little secret everyone in Washington knows" – a set of financial truths so inconvenient that most elected officials don’t even want to talk about them, which is exactly why David Walker does.

"I would argue that the most serious threat to the United States is not someone hiding in a cave in Afghanistan or Pakistan but our own fiscal irresponsibility," says Walker.

The entire story below- Why isn't anyone talking about this?

http://cbs2.com/topstories/topstories_story_063203213.html

ZEH- Zero Energy Homes

Almost 50 percent of a houses energy cost is wasted on heating. It all goes up and out the roof. The shame is that energy, these molecules were brought to us from coal mines and gas resevoirs from thousands of miles away have an incredible cost to all of human kind. It's not just the check you write out to the energy company, but why that check isn't five times higher that should worry you. Why is your heating bill only $125 a month, when it should be for all intensive it should be $600? That cost is being aborbed someplace. Where?

A shower in Los Angeles, just to get the water there and heat it costs $35 per shower. But the cost is about 1/100th of that cost. Where is that extra cost going?

Zero Energy Homes are here. The science is here and now- The problem is that the immediate resources and the momentum to change are not.. The UK is ahead of the USA in this, with a mandate that says all new home in the next 10 years need to be ZEH. That is the on-going frustration. Why are we behind? Why doesn't this make sense to people here in this country?

The reasons to do it are all sound. The reasons why we don't can be boiled down to a single reason- complacency.

It doesn't make sense to people because this energy costs almost nothing for the American people. Our government has found "creative accounting" ways to subsidize this cost- That is the reason the USA has almost $8.7 trillion in debt right now. It has been trading money from one pocket to another- selling our national and the worlds security for low energy costs and cheap crap from Walmart.

Part of it is the science. It sounds like something out of a science fiction comic book- Argon and Krypton gases entrapped in double pane glass. R-factors and K- factors. The marketing of it hasn't been very cohesive. There is a need, but no one knows about it yet.

Here is an article done by a guy that works for Oak Ridge talking about ZEH. More on this later.

http://www.worldchanging.com/archives/005948.html

Drivel

I just deleted two entries over this week- I re-reread them and realized that they were the two of the most self indulgent things I have ever written. Drivel.

Why do blogs always seem to end up there? I guess you want to explain how you see the world- but you forget your audience- and you get lost.

Either that or you just show what a prat you really are.

Anyway- sorry...I'll work on getting better-

The Vegan one may be next on the hit list.

Why I hate Vegans

Vegans are smug.

Vegans are elitist.

They are strange, skinny and almost always tree hugging flakes that float on the edges of society. They wear PETA shirts. They all get together and have pot lucks and yammer on about how evil the meat and fashion industries are. They don't wear leather shoes, or belts. They like hemp. They like hemp a lot (smoke it, wear it?).

They don't eat honey. They smell like incense.

Question: Would you rather sit next to a Vegan or an Insurance salesman on a 5 hour flight from LA to Boston?

Don't answer.

Then why did I chose to be part of a club that I had no intension of ever joining. I could blame Chris Martin of Coldplay. I saw him a couple of years ago in concert- all hopping around and Energizer bunny like- and yes he is a Vegan. I could blame Thom Yorke of Radiohead, he's one too. I could blame National Geographic and that stupid article about longevity that they published a couple of years ago (almost all the people who lived over a 100 didnt eat meat).

Instead, I will blame my right hand.

About two years ago, I found that I was having trouble closing my right hand. It hurt. Not a little, but a lot. I didnt know if it was arthritis or not. I never went to the doctor to ask. I was worried that he would put me on drugs that I didn't want.

There were also other problems besides that- I weighed about 255lbs, which was great! I was down from an all time high of 280lbs. But I had hit a plateau, no matter what I did, I couldn't get any lower than that.

I also felt like crap. Because I felt like crap- I was crabby too. Funny how that works.

So in November of 2005 after a blood test that showed my blood sugar rising- I made a commitment to lose that extra weight. I read on the internet how people that didn't eat dairy products, had less of an incidence of arthritis. Between Chris, Thom, National Geographic, the internet and my right hand I said- Fuck it.

I'll try this meatless thing.

A year and a half later- No pain in my hand (that cleared up in about two weeks after I quit all meat products). Blood sugar dropped. Lost 38 lbs. Didn't feel like crap anymore. I am told that I am more fun to be around.

All because I stopped eating meat and meat by products.

It's a simple thing, but something that is evokes the strangest reactions from people. It's like I am so odd that I don't eat meat. Why? What difference does it make, if I dont want to eat something that had a hoof or a claw? Why should it matter to anyone other than me?

Only after making the change, did I realize some of the other things- Like about how the meat industry is riddled with diseased animals that the USDA is letting through the system. About the amount of hormonal supplements that is in dairy which is making 10-11 year old girls reach puberty. There is also a chemical in meat that is addictive as well. It's similar to coffee and nicotine.

There is a whole catalog of reasons why eating meat and meat byproducts is bad for you. You know it is- deep down inside- but you eat it anyway.

Cause you like the taste.

Read Michael Pollens "Omnivores Dilemma" for a clear and reasonable take on the whole issue of Industrialized Food. Its not propaganda, he isn't a vegetarian or a vegan, just a good writer. He tries to explain where our food comes from, which is a hard thing to do.

All I know is that for someone my age, I don't ever have indigestion- I am more flexible and in better shape than a lot of people I know. I have more enthusiasm about life, and I have a general sense of well being than I have ever had before.

So I am being smug and elitist. Comes with the territory. But I am not a fanantic about it- that is my saving grace.

In my closet, I have to admit, that I have a PETA shirt too- However it's a little different than most of the PETA stuff out there- No sad eyed baby seals. No rabbits with burning eyes

The shirt says:

People for the

Eating of

Tasty

Animals

I hate Vegans- I need to find another name for it though since I am one.

Any suggestions?

The Mayberry Solution

I went to a seminar yesterday about Sustainable Living. The speaker was a teacher at a college aboiut 100 miles from here. He drove a Prius to the lecture- He gets 48 miles to the gallon.

Smart guy- Spent the first 10 minutes explaining about Peak Oil, National Debt, Hurricanes, Global Climate Change and how we are all in the shitter- or soon will be.

Oh yeah, Walmart is bad- Bad, bad, bad.

These are all things I pretty much agree with. Peak Oil- The end of fossil fuels and their use in the world is at an end in next 20 years. Check. National Debt- currency trading- China has more of our bonds than we do- not a good thing. Check. Global Climate Change- all the big brains agree, it's our use of fossil fuels. Check.

I don't like Walmart. I don't shop there- mostly because they treat their people like crap. I also think that importing $15 Billion a year in goods from China through a single distribution arm is wrong for the country and the world.

His solution- We have to go back to real honest to gosh neighborhoods. Where all the people have vegetable gardens in the backyard. Where you walk to work. Where the dollar you spend stays in the local area. Where you buy stuff from a local grocery store, not a place like Walmart (remember, Bad) where your dollar goes to Arkansas- or worse China. Where you don't buy new bright shiny stuff from big places, but you trade stuff with your commnity.

In otherwords- Mayberry. He see's the solution to the world problems is turn back the hands of time and have everyone move back to Mayberry.

He might be right. From a social perspective, if you think about all of our fears- all the pressures of modern society- It's because we go outside of our neighborhoods way too often- We don't stay on our city block. We shop in far away places for stuff from far away lands. We work far away from home. We take our kids all over the state for sports competitions on the weekends- we have become this strange race of stressed out nomads- mostly because we aren't on our own turf, with the people who we live with and hopefully trust as neighbors.

Wouldn't it be great if there was a Floyd the Barber, Aunt Bea, an Andy and a Barney, a Goober and a Gomer? All people we knew and trusted with our lives? Church Socials and picnics, gazebos and the corner grocery store.

But we won't invite Goober- He always creeped me out.

Leave Floyd out too- He was always "Oooohing and Ahhhhing" too much.

There was other stuff that he metioned- more practical stuff, like insulation- Heat loss from poor insulation makes up for 43% of wasted energy in a home. Apparently there was a study in Colorado that said with the new materials avaiable to keep heat in your house- You really shouldnt ever need a furnace- That you could keep your house warm with the junk mail you get through the post. Also, Energy Star appliances- front load washing machines-florecent light bulbs use less than a quarter of the energy than old light bulbs. All good things.

But coming away from the discussion in my head was the Mayberry Solution. The ultimate answer. Turn back the hands of time- shun this Global ecomony as a sad experiment. Embrace your neighbor. But that requires that you take a hard look at your neighbor, which means that they have to take a hard look at you.

I have four vegetable beds in my backyard. Should I go to my neighbors and offer to build them a couple? Should I plant a fruit tree in everyones yard- (these were some of the suggestions he made to me after the meeting)? They already think I am kind of a nut anyway (because of being Vegan) . This would solidfy their thoughts- but if it helps save the world? Isn't it worth it?

Of course I am not naive enough to believe that- I know that changing my neighbors mindset is almost impossible.

In the meantime, I will be calling insulation people and getting estimates. I plan to start planting a couple of fruit trees this spring.

Maybe a another vegetable bed?