Thanks to Jessica for asking how I am- but the answer to her question is hard.
I am holding it together- doing my j0b and trying not to think too much. I am trying to take the time to be there for my wife- who is going through her third dose of chemo tomorrow. She has one more after that, then onto radition for six weeks. It's nice to be almost done with this nightmare- but it will always be there hanging out in the back of our minds. It's something we dont talk about now, because we are just trying to get through this chapter of the book. And in the end, it really doesnt help anything to worry about what will happen in the future. We have always had enough on our plate to worry about, and we most likely always will.
And there is the rub- this disease isn't about me. Seems like an obvious thing to say, but there is a subtle context to it. People ask if "I" am doing alright, it is really because they want to know how "she" is doing. I am not jealous or upset about it, I have never been one to look for attention, especially this kind- yet it's just an interesting dynamic to observe. This situation has made us conjoined more in other peoples eyes than our marriage in some respects. Yet, most people don't want the aswer to that question, the question of your "condition" if it isn't short, sweet or positive. They don't want bad news, so if you answer that "she" has had a tough time of it, they are at a loss for words. Which is okay- we all have to face the subject of mortality in our own ways. The word "cancer" makes us do that.
No one wants to hear I have a bad back or that I gained 7 "stress" pounds since this whole thing started. No one really wants to know that I dont want to go to contra dances anymore, because I have to give reports about my wife's condition over and over again to sincere and concerned fellow dancers- people I love, yet the effort to retell the story becomes too much to bare. No one wants to hear that sometimes I get mad and angry about having to do the laundry and the cooking and the shopping and my job, sometimes all at the same time. When I have a week to work, like last week- I have an ungodly difficult schedule- six planes, 8 cities in 6 days- But really, no one wants to hear that I really want to jump out of my skin and go screaming and yelling down the street.
Instead, for the most part I keep it to myself and I put my nose to the grindstone. Not to say that my anger and frustration doesn't come out awkardly- sometimes in the wrong context and situations. The important thing to remember is that it always came out wrong before the diagnosis- so really nothing all that much has changed!
The truth is I am "doing"- not well or badly- just functioning and trying not to complain too much.
In other words- normal.
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5 comments:
Yes, actually, that is what I wanted to hear.
and so many of us have lived it though not with a spouse so we want to know you're not okay.
Because if you said you were okay you'd be a liar
And you'd just land in therapy later later on.
My favorite author, Trevanian, said in his masterpiece, "Shibuimi", the absolute guiding aphorism in my lfe...think about it, in context of yourself, your wife, your Buddism, your kids, and the struggle until Nirvana....It guided me through my divorce, my daughter's injury, my period of financial disaster...
"Who does the hard things?.....He who can."
You must, because you can.
Nanny's birthday was exactly as you would think. All had a great time, given what was offered. The best part was when Dad leaned over, in his deaf and booming voice, and said "Geez! You sure know how to show these rednecks how to throw a party!" More incredible stories available at a phone call.
I missed you all. Cathy missed you all. Brynne missed you all. The irony of the entire event would have made you giggle.
Love, flowers and steaks are on their way to your house.
Normalcy is, I'd think, the best one could hope for. It sounds pretty amazing, your normal :D
'But really, no one wants to hear that I really want to jump out of my skin and go screaming and yelling down the street.'
Have you really typed that or me?It conveys so well the point I keep on tryin to make and the peoples' reactions to it.I keep sayin that people impose their limits on us, and we have to be kept on toes in the fear of overstepping the boundary of a poliate exchange of plesanteries.No one cares about how WE FEEL.No one!People are so afraid of feelings, these days.Frigging terrified.And if the feelings are intense it just leaves them at a loss for words.It pissess me off so much when Im havin to explain to people who think nothing of me how great I feel every day just because they consider truth an unecessary evil.
All that bollocks about being yourself and not caring what others say.Lies.Lies.People have never cared as much about what others think of their physique,appearance,relationships,bieliefs.You should be proud you are 'there' for your wife.And you have someone who loves you so much.
Hey---how is everything now?
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