Pirates of the Caribbean

I have seen a lot of films in my lifetime. I mean A LOT of films. I tell people when I first meet them that I learned all I know about life by watching movies, which is sadly all too true.

I have a BA in Communications. I took two film production classes in college. I took several acting classes there (I met my wife in one of them). I have sat through a lot of foreign films- everything from Bergmans "Persona" to Renais "Last Year in Marienbad". I feel qualified to sit through a movie and while I may not enjoy it, I will be at least able to understand it. Up until yesterday, this simple fact was true.

To say that POTC is incomprehensible is not true. There are parts that make sense. The movie had pirates and they rode around on boats. They yelled at each other endlessly all the while trying to stab each other with big cutlery. I got that- otherwise I was completely lost-

The biggest problem (for me at least) was the dialogue- Naomie Harris who plays Tia Dalma is almost incomprehensible in the film. She wins first place for the Most Ridiculous Accent Award (and her dialogue coach needs to be drawn and quartered). Johnny Depp is a close second, which in the first two films was somewhat endearing- the mumbling quirky and kind of funny- in this one it just pisses you off. When you have two main characters, who are speaking english as if they have a mouth full of shit, all the while trying to divulge pointless exposition- well it just gives you a headache. My poor wife was getting annoyed with me because I was asking," What did he say? What did she say?" over and over again. I am really suprised no one (like the editor) went to the director and said, "um Gore, we have a slight problem, everyone is talking like they are chewing on rocks".

The movie needed subtitles, like "Last Year in Marienbade". Or "Persona"
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The plot is another "issue", everything from the 50ft Crab Goddess Calypso (think I am kidding?), to the Mini-Me-Jack Sparrows, to the leaky and moistly emasculated Davey Jones just left we wondering- Why? I mean there was a lot of work that went into that film- Like the other two, techincally it was great! However, the most important part, "the story"- was a complete mess.

The only bright spot was Geoffrey Rush as Barbosa. He knew why he was there- what he was supposed to do and he did it brillantly. My only disappointment was they didn't spend more time on him and give him more menace and swagger (like they did in the first one). Here is an evil zombie pirate back from the dead! How cool is that? Up yours "28 weeks later" with your fast moving zombies! Here is a fast moving zombie with a fricking SWORD and dead monkey as a bonus! But nooooo! Here is a Barbosa that is toothless and pacified- what a wasted opportunity.

The other great actor that was wasted was Jack Davenport, who plays Norrington. It was like they didnt know what to do with him- they could have used him much more effectively. Maybe make him the new Captain of the Flying Dutchman! Give him some meat! He is such a good comedic actor (see the British series Coupling for reference), they should have used him more effectively. But no, they just got rid of him- it was like his character was an afterthough, the same fate they bestowed on the talented Johnathan Pryce (star of one of my favorite films, Brazil).

Oh well- The summer isn't completely over yet- looking forward to seeing Waitress, Knocked Up and the Harry Potter No. 25- At least I should be able to understand those movies- I think they are in english....

Oh yeah, stay away from Bug- I agree with Wind Up Bird- sounds icky.

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